JOURNAL POST

Tessa's birthday was an emotional day for me.  Looking back on the past year, the ups and downs of figuring out all that's going on with Tessa, the things we've learned, how much we've grown, it's been a humbling year to say the least.
January was an especially hard time for our family.  We found out Tessa has Ocular Albinism and her results of her MRI came back abnormal.  I hit rock bottom.  I spent most of my time crying with Tessa.  I just wanted to take Tessa, find a dark cave and hide where nobody could comment on my precious baby, no doctors could tell me all of the things that were wrong with her.  She is perfect the way she is.  My heart was so broken.  There was one morning that I woke up and within a few minutes of being awake, while still lying in bed, the crying began for the day.  I knew things had to change.  This was not the wife or mother I wanted to be.  Around that time my Relief Society president and really good friend brought me over dinner and flowers.  They will never know how incredibly much that meant to me.  The Relief Society president also has a daughter with special needs.  I didn't feel so alone.  She has been such a great support and given me so much hope this year.  
When one of the nurses was checking on me in the hospital after I'd had Tessa, she reminded me that although Savannah is now a big sister, she is still a baby.  I've had to remind myself of that so much this past year.  It was such great advice!  Savannah has gone through so much this year as well.  Because this has been a hard year on mommy, it was a hard year on Savannah.  I've expected so much more of her than I should have.  She is such a caring big sister.  She is always trying to help Tessa with something.  She gets so concerned when Tessa's glasses fall of.  She has been forced to learn so many unselfish qualities this year.  While it breaks my heart to think of how she has at times been neglected or sat and watched tv for hours at a time because mommy is in her room crying, I am so proud of her!  She is such a sweet little girl.  She is such and obedient and caring daughter and sister.
I feel like I can relate so well to the mom in Dumbo.  I can't sit through that movie without crying because I feel like that's me, except in an elephants body!  Ha!  I have no tolerance for anything negative being said or done toward Tessa.  Some things that people say are very surprising.  I learned a few weeks ago that Trevor is on the same page.  Savannah had a friend over playing and her friend hit Tessa on the head with a toy baseball bat.  In our 6 years of marriage I've never seen Trevor get so angry.  It made me so happy though.  I've said it so many times, one of the things I fear the most is Tessa being bullied.  I'm glad to know that not only does she have a crazy mama bear, she has a crazy papa bear too!
Now, I look back on this past year with a heart full of gratitude!  I am so incredibly grateful for what I've learned.  Most of what I've learned I know I wouldn't have learned any other way.  I feel like I've learned more about compassion, service and love in this past year than I have in my whole life combined.  Tessa is scheduled for another MRI next month and I am ok.  I know that the Lord knows what's best for Tessa, for our family and for me.  If things get tough again, we will become stronger. We've come so far, individually and as family!